Cuntfessions: Good Dick Will Imprison You, Or at Least Mildly Adequate Dick is Prompting Ariana Grande to Turn a Blind Eye

In (Cunt)fessions, Audiorotic by Genna RivieccioLeave a Comment

Because one can’t be famous without some recompense (being rich and attractive, after all, isn’t without its tradeoff of being largely hated), Ariana Grande has been the subject of much contempt of late in her hypocrisy for dating/being engaged to mostly previously unknown before banging her (or Cazzie David for that matter) Pete Davidson. In contrast, Davidson has argued via “humor” that Ariana was made well-aware of her own level of fame when the May 22, 2017 Manchester Arena attack occurred, “quipping” in a show last fall (when, believe it or not, he was not yet engaged to Grande), “Britney Spears didn’t have a terrorist attack at her concert,” as though to infer that one is only a true pop star when she can invoke a terrorist attack.

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“In all fairness,” as they say when inexcusable behavior is attempting to be excused, Davidson’s sense of humor probably got pretty warped around the time he lost his firefighter father to the September 11th attacks when Davidson was just seven years old. Because, in truth, those who make the sickest jokes are often the ones in the most pain, it’s not exactly complex psychology. And maybe Grande would have been even more willing to turn a blind eye to the joke had it not been for the outcry of her fans, most especially the Mancunians affected by the attacks that were so convinced she had their back. One person/Twitter user in particular compelled Ariana to acknowledge the offensiveness of Davidson’s stand-up in this case, after he remarked a.k.a. tweeted, “I respect Ariana and I want her to be happy and everything, but she was just broken after the Manchester bombing, so I don’t know why she is still with Pete, like yeah he made that joke a while ago, but like it’s not funny, it’s just rude. This is my opinion.”

Not wanting to lose her most devoted sect, Ariana commented of this, “This has been v tough & conflicting on my heart. he uses comedy to help ppl feel better ab how f-ed up things in this world are. we all deal w trauma differently. I of course didn’t find it funny. it was months ago & his intention wasn’t/ is never malicious but it was unfortunate.” First of all if something is “v tough” you might actually want to spell out “very” so that it comes across as slightly more genuine and leads us to believe that you aren’t, in fact, getting railed by Pete Davidson as you tweet this. Secondly, it also helps to form complete sentences elsewhere (you know Twitter upped their word count quota, or she could have just written a more heartfelt note on her phone and screenshotted it) and avoid use of stock language like “unfortunate,” code for: “not my problem.”

In point of fact, the entire “apology,” which probably should have come from Davidson himself, was better off not being said at all. And as for the excuse, “We all deal ‘w’ trauma differently,” what the fuck kind of trauma is it of Davidson’s to comment on? It’s not as though he knew Grande at the time, and, looking back, maybe this “rude” joke recalls the grade school mentality of a guy being an asshole to a girl because he likes her (a philosophy that has fucked up many a woman in her choices).

And while, yes, everyone has gotten a little too uppity in terms of what they’re reviled by (begging Madonna’s 1990 urging, “Get a sense of humor, okay? Lighten up!”), there are some things that constitute a definite “no” on the list of viable comic material. Terrorist attack is one of them. You just can’t turn that into comedic gold no matter how funny you are or how much you rely on Britney Spears to carry off the weight of the dig. In effect, Grande’s judgment on this person is clearly being clouded by that which any woman will settle for these days: adequate dick. And if her fans have anything to say about it–Arianators, if you will–it doesn’t feel like the light is coming for Davidson in terms of continued smooth sailing. Unless, that is, he buys her the whole damn karaoke joint so as to sing her apologetic Evanescence tracks for life.

Genna Rivieccio is the Editor-in-Chief of a literary quarterly called The Opiate. She has put out two books thus far, She’s Lost Control and You Into It? A Novella About Not Being Into It.

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